— Random trans-Atlantic claptrap —

“Florida Man”: The person who made the state into ‘America’s wang”

February 19, 2017

I’m currently in Florida on holiday, visiting family. If you’re American, you’ll know all about Florida, and how it isn’t really like the rest of the USA. How the entire state is… special.

But for many international visitors, a trip to Florida may be their only experience of America. The state is the USA’s most popular tourist destination, thanks to its abundance of great beaches, warm weather and popular theme parks, such as Walt Disney World.

So if you’ve been to Florida on holiday, you may feel like you’ve been to America. But you haven’t – not really. Florida isn’t really typical of the country. It’s different. It’s special. Homer Simpson once referred to Florida as “America’s wang,” and he wasn’t referring just to the state’s shape (it dangles flaccidly from the rest of the continental USA). No, Florida is also America’s cultural wang.

Florida is like a distillation of every negative cliche of America, amplified to 11. Fat, ignorant people wearing impossibly unfashionable clothes, eating at chain restaurants, going to megachurches and shopping at Walmart. It doesn’t give the best impression of my home country, and it only gets worse when you pick up a newspaper or open up a news website because most of the really dumb, horrifying and ubelievable news stories that you read about America actually happen in Florida. Man seduced by a dolphin? That happened in Florida. Gun rights advocate shot by their own toddler? That would also be Florida. Remember George Zimmerman and his infamous killing of Trayvon Martin? Florida. September 11th coca cola Walmart display? So Florida. Presidential election recounts? Again, Florida.

But why is Florida so atypical, so strange? Is it the combination of southern rednecks and northern newcomers? The hot weather? Something about the slightly sulfurous water?  No, the problem with Florida is that it’s where Florida Man lives.

Who is Florida Man? He’s that guy. The one in the news story. 

Florida Man is a real person. Actually he’s lots of real people. He’s in the news all the time for his outrageous antics. He may look a little different each time you read about him, but trust me, he’s the same guy and he’s easy to recognise. Below, I have built a profile of Florida Man, based on real news stories. All of these headlines are recent and none have been altered or faked.

Who is Florida Man? Let’s start with the basics:

Florida Man is a caucasian man and he lives in Florida, where he has numerous adventures:

Florida Man is politically conservative and claims to be Christian, but does things Jesus wouldn’t approve of: 

Florida man has tattoos. Florida Man wears a baseball cap. Florida Man drives a pickup truck.

Florida Man shops at Walmart: 

Florida Man carries a gun:

Florida Man likes drinking and doing drugs, which makes Florida Man unpredictable:

Florida Man doesn’t like it when you mess with his stuff, especially his food:

Florida Man likes to have sex – but isn’t picky about the particulars:

Florida Man will shoot his gun when he is angry:

Florida Man will sometimes shoot his gun accidentally, even when he is not angry:

If Florida Man doesn’t have his gun when he is angry, he will use his pickup truck:

If Florida Man doesn’t have his gun or his pickup truck, he will use a dog, an alligator, or even poo:

Florida Man don’t back down – he stands his ground: 

Florida Man doesn’t like cats. He will stand his ground against any cat:

Florida Man doesn’t feel the need to be wearing lots of clothes:

Florida Man has got nothing to be ashamed of when he gets his picture on the news. It’s you who should be ashamed.

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