I’m no longer going to pretend you’re not stupid

“And I then I see the disinfectant, where it knocks it out in one minute, and is there a way you can do something like that by injection inside, or almost a cleaning. Because you see it gets in the lungs, and it does a tremendous number on the lungs. So it’d be interesting to check that.”

– An actual quote from some moron who you support, because you are also a moron

I’ve had enough. This was the last straw.

Pretending you’re not stupid for supporting Donald Trump has gotten us nowhere. I did it because I was trying to keep an open mind and didn’t want to come across as patronizing. I thought that if I tried to find some common ground with you, maybe you’d come around.

I was wrong.

Remember when you said the best way to stop all those school shootings was to arm the teachers? Yeah, well I recall, and it was a stupid idea. Really, really stupid. The kind of thing only a true simpleton would believe. But instead of treating you like that guy in my neighborhood who goes around arguing with abandoned cars, I made the mistake of trying to engage with you. I shared statistics from countries where school shootings never happen. Showed you research about the correlation between the prevalence of guns and the frequency of violent mass murders. And what did it get in return? Just you screaming about Chicago and “how’s that gun control working out for them?”

I was debating you, when I should have been (metaphorically) hitting you upside your head and kicking you in the bottom, like you were the thickest of the Three Stooges. So now, because of my failure to treat you like the idiot that you clearly are, instead of living with sensible gun regulations, every school-kid in America has to learn how to cower in a closet during “active shooter drills.”

But no more. The stakes are just too high.

Look at climate change. Your stance on this literally has a good chance of wiping out all human life on the planet, and I’m sitting here worrying about how the tone of my discourse might alienate you? Why should I waste my breath trying to tell you that 99% of scientists are in agreement that climate change is a real and substantial threat, when I know you’re going to respond with some nonsense about how “scientists are always getting things wrong?” Or some brainless remark about how “it’s all a racket” and they’re “just trying to make money off it.”

Then along came Donald Trump and you had finally found your god. Someone just like you: highly opinionated but also dangerously uninformed. A man so inept, that he went bankrupt running casinos. A huckster who launched his political career by claiming that Barack Obama had somehow faked being born in America through shenanigans involving – I don’t know – a time machine or something? A man born into wealth, who – financial analysis has shown – would have been far richer if he had literally done nothing with his money other than just sit on it, instead of launching any of his idiotic, failed business ventures. Trump wine. Trump steaks. Trump University. The USFL. The list goes on and on.

This is the guy you chose to be president – the laughingstock of New York City. A reality TV star who became known for his infidelities, his lechery and for having a tacky golden toilet bowl in his home. You chose a clown to be the most powerful man in the world and the only way to account for that choice is that you must be just as much of a buffoon.

You voted for the guy who was offering the kinds of things that always appeal to intellectually-stunted people: simple, trite narratives featuring good guys (white guys with guns, the uber-wealthy) and bad guys (liberals, immigrants, blacks, latinos, gays and Muslims). You claim you voted for Trump because you “wanted to shake things up” and that he was going to “drain the swamp” and you “didn’t trust Hilary.” But you really did it because you got conned. You’re a sucker. A rube. Because you can’t understand, and don’t have the patience for, the complexities of modern immigration reform. But someone offering you a giant wall? You get that.

And you can’t just admit you were wrong. It’d be like switching which team you support in the middle of the Superbowl. And you won’t do that, no matter how much carnage you witness from your decision, because you’re not just dumb, you’re stubborn. Those things go hand in hand. So you wind up rooting for the team featuring the angry, shouty people with the big guns and the confederate flags protesting in front of hospitals. And against the nurses trying to save their lives. In your version of this story, the nurses fighting the pandemic are the baddies. That’s how low you’ve sunk. I now see you can go even lower still. But I’m not going with you. Not any longer.

So here we are, with a reality TV star running America, during the country’s worst crisis since World War II, and you want to debate with me again.

Now you want to argue whether Trump really did say the dumb thing I heard him say. What we all heard him say. Not this time. Because there’s only one position you can take on this and not be stupid. This isn’t “liberal media bias.” Here’s the video. It is exactly what he said:

And after this, I still have to pretend you should be taken seriously?

I’ve already heard all your talking points in defense of this nonsense. And they’re bad. Really, just embarrassing. Even Trump, maybe for the first time in his life, came out of this slightly chastened. The next day he went in front of the cameras and was forced to say: “I was being sarcastic.” Basically, he was trying on the “even I’m not that stupid,” defense. Maybe he’s not. But you are. You don’t think he was being sarcastic to begin with (I’m not sure you know what sarcasm even is, to be honest),  because you thought he was right the first time. That thing about injecting disinfectant inside of people’s lungs? You liked that idea. That’s the kind of “giant wall” simplicity you can get behind.  If Lysol kills bugs and COVID-19 is a bunch of germs that live in your lungs, can’t we just you know, spray it all up in there? Oh, you gussy up the original idea a little, because you’re not too comfortable with science things. “But they’re doing amazing things with UV light,” you say. And “all vaccines contain elements of disinfectants.” As if that somehow sounds better.

Normally, I’d let you get away with this nonsense for a while. But now the jig is up. You know it was stupid and I know it was stupid, but you can’t admit it was stupid, because then you’d also have to admit that you were being stupid to support the stupid guy to begin with. So all you can do is keep doubling-down. “He didn’t say it, but if he did, it was genius!”

Okay, maybe you think I’m going too far.

Maybe you think I look down on you. You’re right. I do.

How can I not, when this man is your leader? The best representative of your party, your ethos and your values?

And I know you’re also probably thinking: “this is why we won, because clueless liberal elites like you look down on us.” You think you’ll get your revenge in November.

Be my guest. You’re already an idiot who can’t be talked out of voting for another idiot. What are you going to do now? Vote harder?

You probably feel smug about your chances. You won last time. Your cousins over in the UK won Brexit. But the winning is almost over. I know something you don’t. And I know it because, unlike you, I get my information from sources other than talk radio and Fox News.

Here’s what you are going to discover, and soon: your big dumb party is almost over. You’ve had your fun, sticking it to the libs and putting your party’s interests ahead of your country’s. But you’re on your way out. You’re done. Kaput. Finito. (Note the proper usage of ‘your’ and “you’re’ throughout this paragraph. It’s something that often escapes you.)

You and your ilk are dying off. It’s generational. I don’t mean to say that old people are dumb. They’re not. Just you – and you were always dumb, even when you were young and raised on a diet of Ronald Reagan and his acolytes telling you that “big government” was bad; that “welfare queens” were out there trying to take away your hard-earned tax money; and that AIDS was God’s judgment on gays.

Now, you and those like you are ageing out of the voting pool and America is getting younger and less extremist. And those young people are not as brainwashed by your right-wing talking points. They don’t scare as easily at the bogeyman of “socialism” and they don’t think gay people are the biggest danger society has ever faced. They don’t see multiculturalism as America’s downfall, they just see it as normal. And you can screech all you want about government death panels, but nationalized medicine is coming to America. It’s inevitable now. Your hero Trump guaranteed that, when he dismantled Obamacare and showed, through his incompetence, how much better the Coronavirus crisis could have been handled if the USA had a national health infrastructure –  like every other wealthy nation on the planet.

Maybe you can hold on to political power a little while longer, by a combination of gerrymandering and voter suppression, but the demographics are not in your favor. America is becoming more diverse, more liberal and soon, more intelligent.

You’ve shown them the way. This is your doing. Trump’s staggeringly incontrovertible lack of intelligence and your unquestioning support of him has paved the way for something new. All it took was for you to elect the dumbest person in the country to the highest office in the land. From now on, we will no longer talk about “drinking the Kool-Aid,” it’ll be “injecting the Lysol.” It’s the metaphor of the future.

There’s an old saying that goes: “No man is completely useless, they can always serve as a bad example.” You and Trump have given us that. Thank you for your service.

See, that’s how sarcasm works.


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