humour, The Apocalypse Challenge

The apocalypse challenge – day 10: Climate Change

Enough about music, films and TV. Serious times call for serious topics.

This is day 10 of my apocalypse challenge. Over the past 10 days, I’ve been posting about catastrophes and almost-armageddons which had a big influence on me personally, and that also nearly destroyed the world. This is the final post.

The Apocalypse Challenge:

Day 10 – Climate Change

Imagine a movie featuring an actor representing every scientist in the world, co-starring another actor representing every politician in the world. In the climactic scene of this film, as dramatic music swells, our scientist character delivers a passionate warning to the politician. Apparently, there’s a terrible and looming threat that is likely to wipe out every living creature on the planet. All the men and women and cats and dogs and koala bears… they are all going to die.

Politician: “OMG. Billions will perish! This is literally the biggest threat the planet has ever faced! We need to do something! ANYTHING! WHAT CAN WE DO?!”

Scientist: “Mostly, we just have to gradually implement stricter pollution controls and move away from fossil fuels over the next few years. But we have to start right now.”

Politician: “Oh. Okay. But, er, wouldn’t that hurt corporate profits?”

Scientist: “Probably a little at first. But if we act quickly, we can reverse this calamity and we’d wind up with cleaner, more sustainable energy sources.”

Politician: “But in the short-term, profits would go down a little?”

Scientist: “Yes, but there won’t be any profits for anybody if the whole world…”

Politicians: “Good day sir.”

If only it were just a movie.

Did you know that only 100 companies are responsible for around 71% of all the emissions in the world?

You and everyone you know can recycle every can of baked beans you eat from now on. Everyone can cancel every flight they have planned. Sell all your cars and walk to work every day. It won’t make any difference. Not in the long run. We’d still all be doomed. It’ll just take 29% longer.

Our doom may be entirely avoidable in theory, but in practice, it’s inevitable. As long as those 100 companies keep cranking out those fumes and nobody is willing to vote for politicians willing to stop them, the world is definitely going to end due to climate change.

Yep. We’re all going to die. Well, probably not us. Our children, maybe. Our grandchildren – almost definitely. Fire. Floods. Famine. It’s going to be horrible.

That’s it.

The end.





Did you think there was more? Like I was going to end this post with something funny? A joke?

Maybe you feel these kinds of “top 10” Facebook challenge lists are meant to be fun?

Well, we live in dangerous and volatile times and I can’t be responsible for your feelings.

I sat through your posts about how great you think “The White Album” is, and how the “Shawshank Redemption” is your favorite film and how the Foo Fighters put on the best live show you’ve ever seen. Those were way more depressing than any of my posts about the end of the world. Life’s too short to waste any of it talking about how you like the same things everybody else likes.

Living through killer bee invasions, Y2K, pandemics, population bombs, nuclear war threats and all those other armageddons and near-misses, has had a far bigger impact on my life and my perspective than any record I was listening to while all those scary things were happening.  But I guess we’re more comfortable talking about the things that distract us, than the things they’re distracting us from.

And now that I’ve gotten all of that off my chest, I think I feel a little better. I’m prepared to listen, once again, to how you think the Empire Strikes Back is the best sequel ever made and how Game of Thrones would have been on your top ten list, but that last season was just dreadful. And how The Wire is clearly the best TV show of all time.

It’s fine. I like most of the same popular crap you like too. So go ahead and try to distract me. With the world constantly almost ending, I suppose I should learn to relax and enjoy myself a little more. It’s not like it’s my responsibility to save the world. That’s a good thing.

Because I can’t help thinking that a planet filled with people who think the Foo Fighters are special may not be worth saving after all.

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